There are no ends, it’s not a lovely colourful rainbow with one label at one end and another label…

There are no ends, it’s not a lovely colourful rainbow with one label at one end and another label at the other.

There’s another round of an article going around the social media channels where an attempt is made by a non autistic parent to effectively place autistics in conflict with one another. It’s completely unhelpful and is woven through a fabric of tragedy and self pity.

Liberally salted with the language of deficit and lost dreams of parents for the child they wished they had, that never existed and a an absence of any condiment of the language of strengths or skills or genuine appreciation for the actual child they have.

It attempts to place what she calls severe or classic autistic people against the rest of the autistic community. Our very real struggles are dismissed as simple quirks, as though these struggles are virtually a figment of imagination.

They aren’t, that’s the reality of it.

Tiresome is the language of despair, loss, and deficit of non autistic parents about their autistic children. Just plain wrong is the application of the so-called autism spectrum as if it is a line with those fitting one criteria at one end and those fitting another at the other.

When challenged about the fact that the spectrum is not a simple line with two ends, a parent said well it’s a colourful rainbow then. This kind of language is so unhelpful and it makes attempts to place autistic people at a particular point on an imaginary line and imagines that is where they are forever and will never change.

Humans change and develop, this is no less true for autistic humans than non autistic human. What exactly the spectrum is and how to define it is always problematic, it’s difficult, it is hard to conceptualise a visual concept for it. I’ve seen and heard a range of explanations, some quite good but none really conceptualise it in a way that is really clear and really able to be grasped and visualised.

What is true, absolutely for me, an autistic woman, and for many fellow autistics I know, is that, the idea that we occupy a space at one end or the other, indeed any one point along some arbitrary line is a complete fiction. The space on the spectrum we occupy fluctuates and changes from moment to moment, day to day and year to year. It just does.

Functioning labels always seem to be the culprit in positioning us arbitrarily on this imaginary line, but just like every human ever to exist, autistic humans have fluctuating functioning in different areas of life, and they change all the time. Sometimes we are able to function extremely well, negotiate much, navigate sensory input and apply social and executive functions to such a level of prowess that we have levelled at us the statement – ‘but you don’t look very autistic’

And then there are the days we lose our words.

The days we can’t manage to work the washing machine.

The days where answering a phone is like an act of impending doom.

And that’s the thing, functioning for anyone is always transient and never constant. For autistics perhaps the variance or fluctuations are just more severe but, they fluctuate just like everyone else’s functioning.

Please stop, pitting us against each other, characterising us as occupying some imaginary point on a line, and please, for the love of all that is good, please stop imagining that your autistic child is destined to always be at the place they are now, they will grow up, they will learn things, they will find strengths. Please, I implore you to be their best advocate by standing with them, discovering with them, journeying with them to grow and mature and learn and become the best, most authentic, most wonderful human persons they can be.

Just don’t place anyone on an imaginary line. The line doesn’t exist, there is no ends of the spectrum, there’s just humans, with a somewhat different neurological wiring than the non autistic humans have. And you know what, that’s Ok, we’re just different not less, just different.

Support us. Learn with us, from us, and support us. We want to be the best we can be, we don’t want to be a list of deficits or the ghost of some imaginary person you dreamed would be your child.

In the end, we want what all humans want, love and acceptance for who we are. The potential of what we can become is impacted greatly by this.

Acceptance, not awareness, not deficits. Just acceptance.

It’s said we’re can’t do social, I beg to differ.

One of the stereotypical things one hears about autistic people is they don’t, can’t or won’t do social. It’s one of the biggest furphies of all time, of that I am convinced. On Saturday evening just passed I spent several hours having one of the most fun evenings of my life, sharing that time with about 10 other autistic people. We laughed, we talked, we shared together a social experience which we all highly valued.

But let’s rewind a few days…

Somewhere in the vicinity of one to two thousand people gathered to attend the 2017 Asia Pacific Autism Conference in Sydney’s Darling Harbour. Of course not all of them were autistic. Like any big conference there were a range of people, researchers, service providers, clinicians, diagnosticians, delegates from around the world and around the country. Amongst this melting pot of people were not a few autistic adults. Some were there simply to take in what they could, some to present talks and presentations, some to support others.

But here’s the thing, there we all were in a massive social situation and guess what, we survived, we did it. Quite frankly we did it with style.

There were some of us that even managed three social dinners together at three different restaurants in three nights fancy that!

Some of us did that on the back of standing up in front of large numbers of people and making presentations and talks.

Yes, we did. We did it, and we can and do do it a bloody lot of the time.

There’s all this talk about our deficits in social skills and communication and yet we navigate a world where the majority of the time we have to do it without the physical support of our tribe, our fellow autistics with us, we do it on our own, in our workplaces, our homes, our universities, pretty much in all the places we navigate as we go about our daily lives.

It should then be no surprise at all that we do it with aplomb when we have our tribe with us. And with aplomb we did it. We laughed, we cried we shared experiences we communicated effectively with each other and deepened relationships and made new connections. We did it all, funnily enough, we did it all just like the so called normal people did too.

Fast forward again to the present, and many of us are exhausted, having some trouble with our words, needing downtime, time to recharge to regain our selves back in our everyday worlds.

But, is that really any different than the rest of the world, isn’t it typical that after a big event that one is tired and needs to take some time to recharge?

I think the real difference for us autistic humans is the amount of energy sap we suffer when navigate such events, and then of course the consequential extra time we may need to recover and recharge.

As autistics we are absolutely different not less then so called non autistic people, but, perhaps in some things we aren’t so different after all.

It’s often assumed we can’t and don’t want social interaction, and I am sure for some of us this is true, however, for most of the autistics I am privileged to know, this is utter bullshit, we do want, and we can do social interaction. Sure, we may want it in a different way, in different amounts. Absolutely we may be more impacted by it when it comes to the toll on our energy, but by and large we want and seek connectedness with other human people just as most every other human does.

Please next time you think autistics can’t do social, can’t do communication, can’t do sarcasm, irony or humour; please, think again!

The past, the good the bad and the ugly, always remains.

It’s Father’s Day, and there’s no denying that it’s a strange day when it comes to working out how to negotiate it, navigate it and feel about it. As a trans woman that has begun to transition in my mid to late 40’s I have a whole past that includes 3 children. Three children that for most of their life have known me as their father. However I feel about that, that fact remains, that’s how they experienced me, grew up with me. For the vast majority of their life that was the role I played in their life.

Exactly what my role in their life is and will be as life goes on is still a work in progress. We’re just trying to work it out as we go and, at least for me, hope that love does indeed conquer all, as the love I feel for all three of my girls is deeply entrenched into the core of my being.

I recall how the moment all three of them emerged into this world and as I saw them emerge and held their tiny soft wonderful bodies the instant overwhelming mixture of emotions that left me crying my eyes out with unsure of what the mix of emotional feels I was experiencing was, except that here was this brand new human that I was charged with, and privileged to be a parent to.

There is no question or doubt in my mind that that moment of holding brand new life is one of the most raw, intense and special moments of life and I feel amazingly privileged to have experienced it with three wonderful daughters.

So I sit with confused feels about this day. I sit in a sense without a role and with a role all at the same time. On the one hand I remain their father, in whatever way that looks like and yet on the other hand I am totally not a father. I never really felt like a father, mostly I just felt like I got a lot of shit wrong.

The idea of taking on a role of mother to my girls is fraught, not least due to the attitude of my ex wife who whilst to an extent being able to accept my transition is having some significant difficulties and the idea of my taking on a mothering role to her is intensely threatening. I have no interest in that being the case.

In all the years of denial and repression I managed to show my girls love and care but never in my mind in a way that was good enough. Always I felt like as a father I was totally inadequate. But for a long time, what else could I be. I like to think love conquers all, and over time together we will carve out a new kind of understanding of ourselves and our relationships and regardless of gender, motherhood, fatherhood, whatever that we will all be bound together in sharing a strong bond of love that manifests itself in care and support of each other.

Regardless of all of that stuff, today remains, well, a little odd. My girls took me out for a lovely breakfast, it was kind of weird, sitting there a group of five women celebrating the Father’s Day of one of them. It felt somewhat exposed, not really unsafe just exposed, or sticking out like a sore thumb kind of thing. It was a lovely time and my girls shared their love in words on cards and thoughtful gifts.

Nevertheless, it feels weird. I’m not really sure how I am meant to feel or how I do feel. I never really felt I was much good as a father, but I haven’t been a mother either, and the situation is what it is that makes taking on that role now would result in deep hurt of others.

What I do know I suppose, is that I love my children deeply and that I am their parent. That doesn’t change. That never will change. The past, all of it, the good, the bad, the ugly, remains as an actual history that is contained and encoded in our hearts and memories, and it is what it is. The future is yet to be encoded in our hearts and memories and what is most important is that it is done so through a grid of experience that is encased in love, care and support for each other.

What that future is going to look like is an unknown. All I do know is that I can move forward and show love and support of my children as I move forward in my life in the most honest and most authentic way I can.

I’m not a traditional dad, and I’m not a traditional mum either, but I am a parent, and that can’t be taken away or changed. It will always be. I can choose love and to care and support my kids. It is unfathomnable to make an attempt to pretend that the past, the good, the bad, and the ugly are the past of some other person. But that’s the thing, the crux, I am not a different person now than I was, then, I am just more me, more authentic, more true and more real.

Acceptance of the truth of my gender identity and to transition into the most authentic expression of it, can only mean that my authenticity will be greater, my sense of self will healthier, I will be, and already am, a happier, more generous, person.

A key learning for me, as I transition is, that the longer I transition, the more I embrace my true gender and express it how it feels best to do so; well, the better a person I seem to become. My capacity to care increases, my happiness is more robust, my ability to do things, to be successful and to believe in myself as a valid, useful good person in a way that in the past has always been somewhat impossible.

So it’s a weird kind of day, with some weird kind of feels, and yet at the same time it is an affirming day, a day that underscores as absolutely the right thing to do was to embark on this journey of transition.

So that journey continues, bodily changes continue, the course towards whatever medical changes will be continues, and as they do, I allow myself to become, to embrace, to grow into the woman that I was always meant to be.

It’s not a religious issue folks it’s a secular one.

One could be mistaken for believing that the Marriage Act of Australia is a document under the auspices of the ultra conservative churches of the nation. Not so.

Sure, marriages in Australia have traditionally occurred in churches, and many still do to this day. I myself experienced this not once but twice. Funnily enough though all the actual documents required in order to have these marriage ceremonies were documents required, not by the church but by the Commonwealth of Australia.

The marriage certificates I received after the signing of the registry, were embossed, not as some would seem to believe a seal of the church but the logo of the Commonwealth of Australia.

When one seeks to divorce, it is not a process of the church, but a process of the federal courts of Australia. Why? Because it is the absolving of a contract enacted under the law. It may well have been officiated by a church minister or similar but that is because that minister is entrusted by the laws of the country to officiate such proceedings.

Marriage is a secular matter, not a religious matter, when it comes to the legality of it. And if that is the case there can be no justifiable argument before the law against marriage being available to all it’s citizens.

Any argument religious or otherwise says at its very heart, I hold one form of being human as somehow more or better than another. It says essentially if you are not heteronormative you are less than me, other than me, not allowed the same privilege to marry another human person as me.

It can be taken by those of us that are not heteronormative in only one way when it comes down to it. In the eyes of those that want to uphold marriage for heterosexual couples only, that I am somehow of less value, and not entitled to enjoy the same rights as you. In short, it says that we do not and should not stand in equality before the law with you.

It is plainly wrong, unjust and discriminatory. There really is no more basic way to say it than that.

Any religious argument, no matter how fervently you believe it is simply irrelevant, even if it was sustainable it would remain irrelevant. Australia is a secular democracy and therefore its law should be based on that principle.

Religious freedom is enshrined in our law, as it should be. It should be thus, regardless of faith or tradition. Marriage, though may have a religious connotation, it may have religious symbolism and that’s all well and good, but when it comes down to it, there’s no escaping the fact that it is a legal contract before the law of the land. Not the law of the church, the mosque, the synagogue or whatever.

Any question that this debate is about freedom of religion is nothing but an attempt to shift the argument away from the ground it rightly occupies. That ground, is, of course:

Is Australia a land where all humans stand equal before the law or not. If you believe it is then there can only be one answer, marriage equality must become a reality.

It seems we may be stuck with this crazy postal survey/plebiscite instrument. I hope the high court strikes it down, but if we are stuck with it, regardless of anyone’s religious leanings, there really is only one correct way to vote, and that is to vote yes. It’s not just a vote for marriage equality, though it surely is that, it’s a vote for the very essence of equality. It’s a vote or the very essence the secular democracy we supposedly live in.

If this law is not changed and inequality is allowed to remain in this realm, the very concerning thought that comes to mind is, what other areas of equality will our governments now and in the future feel is appropriate to legislate for.

There is only one correct response to the question Australia is being asked and that is to change the marriage act, to enshrine marriage equality in law once and for all.

Vote Yes, equality depends on it. Democracy depends on it.

Suddenly it’s not quite so safe out there…

Well that’s how it feels right at the moment. I am told regularly that I pass well, that people who have not met or known me in the past would never suspect I was trans. I try to take these comments at face value and trust them, because, mostly they are spoken by people I love and respect. But, there is always that doubt, always that internal sense that as soon as someone looks at me, something about my appearance, my stance, my manner, anything outs me immediately as a trans woman.

And that’s okay, because, passing in the end is not the goal, the goal is to be able to be the real me, the true me. To express the me that has always been hiding away inside too scared to come out. I don’t think a cis person, certainly not a cis straight white person, can ever appreciate how one can turn every look, glance, quietly spoken word, laugh, movement of others into a micro aggression, or an act of non-acceptance, a sign of not being safe.

Because it’s what I do, and I suspect my so many of my trans tribe do it as well. Add to that the fact of being autistic and additionally having some issues in interpreting and understanding social communication and body language and you have for yourself a recipe for second guessing how well I pass. For me it feels like something good to be told I pass, though, in reality the whole concept of passing is a cis normative thing, and well, who really gives a fuck if you do or do not pass, because the freedom is not in that, it’s in being true to oneself and expressing one’s actual gender identity rather than the one forcefully assigned.

It’s been about a year now since I came out publicly and began to transition, and in all of that time, I have overwhelmingly felt safe the majority of the time. Of course there has been exceptions but those exceptions have been, thankfully few and far between. Of course, I am always hyper vigilant as I try to simply go about my business of living, just in case.

My country had been thrown into a state of flux by government too concerned with its own internal issues to actually govern. Instead it has thrown open a public debate on marriage equality. Suddenly in this country I have always called home and for the most part loved intensely I don’t feel quite so safe anymore.

Those furtive glances, those looks that I can’t quite interpret suddenly seem a little more sinister. And it is little wonder. Suddenly the public debate and discourse is full of anti LGBTIQ+ material. In my city this morning posters were put up in the CBD with hateful slogans stating “Stop the fags”. Not only was such a hateful statement emblazoned on the walls of a city laneway, but it made spurious claims about the children of Rainbow Families.

That look on the train, the sideways glance as I walk to my car. The sheer volume of material aimed at discounting the validity of LGBTIQA+ people as equal human beings, has the result of a feeling of not being quite as safe as I had felt I was.

When the very small hateful minority is given license to spread its hate publicly and with tait approval due to an inept government, it seems that violence against those the hate is spewed about increases. As though, somehow, because someone states a hateful thing, it somehow gives people to enact that hate against actual people with real actual physical violence.

Before I began to transition I never really had a sense of feeling safe in public spaces, I am convinced this is due to the living a life of pretending to be something I wasn’t. I have in fact felt safer in general in public spaces since coming out as trans than when I lived pretending to be a cis male.

Suddenly this is not the case. I don’t feel so safe anymore. My hyper vigalence must rise. It shouldn’t be that way, but when you have politicians talking about how men will pretend to be women and assault children in public bathrooms, when they claim over 90% of our children are abused, when they declare that the agenda is destroying gender difference in the guise of anti-bullying, it has an effect, and let me tell you it’s not a positive one.

Many many people warned the government this would happen, the idea of casting open for a great big public argument about whether or not marriage equality should be brought into reality that the hate would be spewed. No not at all the government insisted, they insisted that the people of our country were capable of a respectful debate. And to be fair, in the vast majority, this is actually correct, but of course it is not the vast majority that spew hate, it is the hateful bigoted minority that want to cast me, my tribe, my family, my friends as some kind of not quite really human reality.

Well we are human, it seems those lacking humanity are those spewing horrid and hateful things about my community.

The LGBTIQA+ community are standing strong in the face of horrid and hateful discourse. We will achieve equality, hopefully it will be before this year is out, but whenever it is, it doesn’t change that we are already equal, in terms of being proper actual, thinking feeling human persons, who laugh, cry, think, feel, and love.

Maybe not today, tomorrow, next month, or next year, but someday soon, some day before too long we will rise up in celebration of being granted the right of daring to be given the same rights as the rest of the human population enjoy.

It is important, I believe, that we hang on to that future, take it deep into our hearts, hold it close to our souls, share it with each other, believe it will be a reality, and we will celebrate with much joy.

Until then we must not, never ever allow ourselves to descend into the hate thrown at us, to sink to the level of trying to detract some part of the humanity of other human persons. They may not accept us, they may not like us, they may want to tell themselves we are somehow deficient and dysfunctional, but nevertheless, like us, they too are human persons, and they too must be treated with the dignity and respect with which we ourselves seek to be treated with.

Let’s not go to hate, let’s hold on to love. Let’s hold on to hope. Hope and knowing that here in Australia, just as it has in other countries, New Zealand, Germany, USA, Taiwan, Canada and others.

Love Conquers All.

Imagine if …

Imagine if you could just go to the wedding celebrant and say we want to get married and the celebrant was able to just respond wow great congratulations lets set a date. And that date wasn’t dependent on the law changing….

Imagine if you could fill out those forms to for new paperwork that represented your true self and you didn’t have to add a divorce decree in order to do so….

Imagine if you could just be your true self without the government tut tutting that true self and believing it to be the arbiter of the legitimacy of that true self….

Oh right, you’re a cis heterosexual person so you can very easily imagine this, actually you don’t have to imagine it even because it is in fact your reality.

For the LGBTIQAP+ community, in Australia and elsewhere it is only something we can imagine.

It hurts everyday, every time, on each and every occasion we see the opinion expressed we are not entitled to these basic human rights. We’re actually real people you know, not just theoretical sides of a theoretical problem to be solved. Yes real living breathing actual human beings.

My story, not completely typical in the LGBTI community, but certainly not isolated. I fought against the reality that I was trans for many years. Until I could no more.

I kept reading myself, hearing my reality being expressed as I continued to meet and read the stories of trans people online and in real life. I could no longer pretend.

I’d done a pretty good job pretending, I’d married; twice; had kids played the boys game no matter how foreign it always was to me. I tried really really hard to be what I was told I was; what I was assigned at birth. What my parents enforced upon me.

My relationships with my partner was in the death throws, I thought maybe being true to myself to her, might just save it somehow. It appears I am wrong on that front, but I hold out hope, however small and resist the idea of divorce.

But, not being divorced means, because of our archaic legal definition of marriage under law, means I can’t have my true gender appear on my Birth Certificate. There are some other barriers to that too, like surgical procedures.

Marriage equality is a huge issue, and my story is just another one of those reasons why it is far more than just gay marriage or same-sex marriage. It’s marriage equality, not only is it about people being able to get married but also about being able to stay married.

Perhaps my marriage is truly over, but I know there are many that are not, and yet, the couples in them have to make a choice about having a legal marriage or having legal paperwork reflecting their true gender.

We need marriage equality, we really do, so people can get married and people can stay married.

The archaic heteronormative legal view of marriage in this country and others needs to be blown out of the water permanently. All humans need to have the legal right to marry as two consenting human persons, regardless totally of gender or sexuality.

Vote yes for equality. Please, our human rights are counting on it.

Imagine if all humans were see equally ….

Now wouldn’t that be grand!

Marriage Equality – it’s everything about equality.

I’ve not managed to find a lot of time to write over these last days, in some ways this is probably a good thing. I’ve been on somewhat of a roller coaster of emotional existence, since again the government of my country failed again to just get it done. Instead of doing the job they are paid to do, and vote on legislation as the members of parliament of a representative democracy, they concocted a convoluted plan to delay it again.

Delayed again making it law for all people to be seen as equal before the law. For LGBTI+ relationships to have the same standing as heterosexual relationships do. Delayed again enshrining in law the rights of partners in LGBTI+ relationships to make end of life decisions and be in control of things like funeral arrangements and so forth.

Delayed again what is a matter of fact for a heterosexual couple, the ability to be listed as spouse or partner in the tragic circumstances of the death of a partner.

For too marriage equality has been placed in the too hard basket by gutless politicians. Not all of them, but enough to stall it time and again. Even it seems politicians who genuinely believe in and support marriage equality, even then it seems political survival is more expedient than the human equal standing of all humans.

And it is equality. Imagine if the politicians argued that allowing heterosexual marriage would lead to beastiality . Imagine the outrage, and yet this is an argument put forward by more than one opponent of marriage equality.

The opponents are very good about reframing the issue, to move away from the issue of equality. They call it gay marriage, same-sex marriage for example. These descriptors are never a depiction of the real issue. The real issue, is equality.

This week I saw the ridiculous argument put forward that allowing marriage equality could lead to monuments marrying each other. Surely a sign of how much of a grasp on the issue such proponents actually have.

In the end it doesn’t really matter whether or not you agree with LGBTI+ people and their lifestyles. Whether it be religious reasons or any other reasons, because that’s not the point. The point, the most cogent point, is that we the LGBTI+ community are human persons just like the heterosexual community. As such we should be afforded the same position before the law as the heterosexual community.

Would you say a gay man is not entitled to work?

Would you say a lesbian woman is not entitled to Medicare?

A transgender person not allowed to hold a drivers license?

And that’s the rub isn’t it. We are human persons, you are human persons. Even if our politicians are unable to behave as such lets us behave as such.

They’ve foisted upon us a process that is ridiculous, unfair, outrageous and designed to disenfranchise whole segments of the community. A non binding postal plebiscite. Apparently to find out what we the people think, even though we’ve told them in so many opinion polls consistently over many years now. We the people are in favour of marriage equality. That question has been answered loudly and clearly in the wider community.

But, we have this process, a process aimed at a particular hoped for result. It’s time for we the people to beat them at their own game. If you are for human equality make sure you are enrolled and get that yes vote in when the time comes. It would be easy to say boycott this process, it’s extremely tempting to do so, but it would play into the hands of the hard right wing power brokers of the government.

If you are a person that is for equality then vote yes, if you are feel this is a step too far, due to personal convictions, then I would respectfully request you do boycott it. Because how is two LGBTI+ people being married actually of any concern of yours at all.

As ridiculous as this process is, it is, assuming it gets through it’s legal challenges, the way forward in front of use. With that being the case I implore you vote yes for equality. Vote yes to tell me, that person down road, your work colleague, all those strangers you see on news items about Pride, that we are equal, we are human, and we matter.

Vote yes to end the endless circle of power games being played at the expense of our lives by politicians too worried about themselves to do the job they are paid to do.

If we must have this outrageous plebiscite, if we must, then lets fucking win it with a yes vote.

Wired for sound.

I recall with fondness, being around 12 or 13 year old and beginning to discover my tastes in music, the things I enjoyed the things, I loved, the things I tolerated. One thing of course was beginning to become important and that was that my music tastes were becoming mine and not just an extension of my parents.

I was beginning to become wired for sound.

I remember it well, Cliff singing about tall speakers, short speakers any speakers, if there was music they were wired for sound.

Music defines so much about human society, the lyrics and tunes of the times speak to society and what they are thinking. The mood of the people in term of the politics of the day.

It’s a potent source of information about people. One of the Ming Dynasty rulers was known for gauging the settledness of his kingdom by investigating the songs the people were singing. It was, apparently, an effective method of maintaining peace and order during his rule.

There’s nothing that really compares with the way a song from one’s history can transform you back to that place and time. For me, I experience this with intense reality, as though I have suddenly been transported back to the place of importance connected to that song. It is as though I am there, the smells the sounds, the feelings are all potently present in the moment.

I probably do not turn to my music often enough as a circuit breaker, or coping means when under stress or pressure. I really should be more proactive in this regard. I suspect I would cope with life a little better. Because when I do I am immediately aware of how wonderful the escape into music is.

I often wonder how common a thing this is for autistic people. Especially in terms of how so many of us experience sound as a sensory difficulty. I don’t have an aversion to sound, loud noises generally don’t concern me too much, accept of course for the startle factor that happens, when, you know, you walk along and an explosion or a car back fires or something like that. But I do have sensory issues with sound.

I’ve written of this previously, it’s what I like to describe as multiplicity of sound or the multi streams of sound. It’s as though my sensory systems are doing everything they can to make sense of, interpret and make meaning out of every stream of sound that hits my ears. These situations for me, are the ones that are most likely to overwhelm me. This is especially true if my stress levels are already elevated due to stuff going on in life.

It is intensely interesting though, that even in those situations, where I am at the very edge of meltdown, if I can manage to remember to get some music, particularly some favourites blasting into my ears that somehow that overwhelm appears to be mitigated. I find it an odd thing. In the midst of becoming overwhelmed by sound that a different source of sound can be a calming, indeed, almost euphoric escape from impending meltdown.

I carry ear plugs and they can be helpful, but I do find that I don’t tend to use them enough, there is something in the sensation of them in my ears that makes me feel disconnected from my physical reality.

Using music more proactively to manage my functioning in situations of multiplicity of sound is a challenge. One of the important things is to ensure I have source of music and source of headphones to make use of it, invariably my earbuds, which are pretty basic anyway, are in a tangled mess in my bag and it all seems too much effort. This attitude in itself is quite ridiculous, I think, when the effort taken could have such a positive impact on my day.

I don’t pretend to claim that this is a solution for all autistic people, but I do know it is a method of refuge, survival and functioning that works for me. A method I should use far more than I do.

I wonder though, if my experience is rare and isolated or more common. I wonder if other autistics find this similar refuge in something so simple and available as music into our ears.

I wonder if you like, fellow autistic, is this music to your ears, or perhaps not?

Functioning smunctioning…

It’s not a real diagnosis, high functioning autism. Even though I have a piece of paper from a clinical psychologist with those words on the page. It doesn’t make it a real diagnosis.

Neither does the use of those words on reports by researchers phd candidates, post doc researchers or genuine accredited scientists. Using a set of words consistently, and forcefully to explain a thing doesn’t make it so that those words suddenly become a correct thing. It doesn’t matter how many people say them, it really doesn’t.

So many time I’ve had conversations, comments and exchanges of messages with people about it. And it doesn’t make a squat of difference to the reality that high functioning autism is not a thing, and of course neither is low functioning. There is autism, and then there is the way a person functions in the world. The latter is influenced greatly by environment, culture, expectations, comorbid conditions amongst a giant fruit salad of things.

An autistic friend of mine, a very intelligent man who holds a phd would likely be described by those functioning labels, and yet at times has trouble working out what he was intending to do just moments after setting out to do it.

I couldn’t count the number of times I’ve been described as high functioning, and in life, in many ways I do manage to function well. I have a good job. I hold multiple bachelor degrees. And yet, getting day to day tasks done are some of the most difficult things in the world to accomplish. Things like ensuring I maintain good hygiene, wear clean clothing and those simple things of life that it seem the so called typical people just seem to do, prove to be almost impossible.

I’m not high functioning in so many ways. This is so important for people to understand about autistic people labelled as such. Because of this labelling it is incredibly difficult to gain support to negotiate life and be successful in achieving the life outcomes that most people take for granted.

Of course all of this doesn’t even begin to take into account the impact of sensory input on how well a person manages to function in their day to day life. Neither in this is the fact that the increased effort required to look as though we function largely like the majority takes on our energy levels and rest and recuperation requirements.

Add into the equation time of social misreading, communication differences and again functioning is impacted greatly.

I would imagine that non autistic neurotypical people would argue that these same things impact their own ability to function in the world. And of course in large part they are most likely, to a point, somewhat correct. Which of course adds weight to the argument that high functioning and low functioning labels are totally incorrect and inappropriate explainers to add to the autistic way of being.

I’m not a high functioning autistic person. I am an autitic person, my functioning varies and fluctuates just like everyone’s does.

In the end, when it all comes down to it. When we drill down to the actual reality of it. I’m not a high functioning autistic, because, such a thing does not exist. Not as a diagnosis not in the DSM5 not in any official diagnostic material. Period.

No, in the end I am just an autistic person, doing my best to negotiate and make my way in the world as best I can. Some of those things I will do well and some I’ll make an absolute mess of.

I’m just a human, just like everyone else.

If only…

If only there was more I could do for my trans tribe that are facing oppression from all sides on the other side of the world.

From government, from trans exclusionary feminists, from Trump supporters, from fundamentalist and evangelical Christian groups.

It seems, at least in the current environment of the world we live in that being trans and not being in the USA provides a layer of privilege that those who are in the US don’t have. It’s a thin veil of privilege but nevertheless it is there.

I’m Australian, and of course, I face issues of bigotry and discrimination in being a visible trans woman as I go about my daily life. But I don’t face the terrible shit that my trans tribe in the US do.

I have friends that are just simply too scared to be visible, scared for their lives, and these are white trans women! I can’t begin to comprehend the fear that trans people of colour experience in these current times.

As I’ve scrolled social media over these last few days I have been astounded and stupefied by the anti trans content I have seen. A so called leader of the free world declaring us unfit to serve in a county’s military. In response horrible so-called Christian leaders applauding such bigotry and hate and even in some cases taking credit for it.

As well as this allies of our tribe, have attempted to show us support by sharing content of the fictional character Corporal Clinger from MASH frame. The intention I believe by these people was absolutely one of support for our tribe. The thing is though that this non-trans character is extremely problematic.

Clinger was never trans.

Clinger was interested only in escaping his service for the military by any means possible.

Clinger believed that dressing as a woman would ensure him a discharge under the Section 8 proviso as he would be deemed insane.

Clinger wasn’t eve a drag queen in the real sense of what that entails.

Clinger was and remains problematic.

Holding up a cis male – and yes clinger was a cis male, if you doubt that then you should look up the MASH finale episode ‘Goodbye Farewell and Amen’ – who spent his entire military career doing everything they could to escape it as an example of how trans military service is already in place and would continue to be so and that it would be positive, is at its core problematic.

Clinger was a plot device. We trans people are pretty used to having our existence used as plot device, a function to gain a laugh, to provide the audience with comedy, invariable we are the brunt of that, instead of having our lives portrayed in real and cogent ways we are reduced to the whims of a director attempting to use us to make a laugh.

The clinger memes that emerged are transphobic and transantagonistic. I am thankful, even within this, that I saw some allies learn and discuss and realise the truth of this.

If only I could do more to support my US trans tribe. I wish there was more I could do, but I stand with you. I will share your stories and stand strong and visible as a trans woman and make no apology for my existence.

If only I could do more. I will continue to comment and critique what I see that is problematic, as much as I can. But I wish I could do more.

In my privileged place of being able to be out and visible and for the most part safe, I will speak against the tyranny of the major shift to bigotry and hatred for my tribe.

If only I could do more.

To my American friends I implore you to think about how you actually can do more. The question for you is not so much if only I could do more, but indeed what more can I do.

Perhaps I can stand against bathroom bills, against the repeals of laws giving trans students safety and access to the bathrooms of their choice.

And yes, of course it is about so much more than just bathroom rights, but if we have to fight tooth and nail just for the human right of being feeling and being safe to use a public bathroom facility, then Houston we certainly have a problem.

If only, if only my tribe was as free to exist and thrive as the cis straight tribe are free to.